Tathariel and I took Relanos to Moonglade last night. It’s his first lunar festival with us, and probably the first time he’s been taken to Moonglade for it. They had fireworks and he really seemed to like them. I was worried that they would be too loud and he would cry, but he watched them quietly. He even laughed at them at times.
That’s where the night stopped being nice.
I’m not a mind reader. It seemed she kept hinting at something, and I had no clue what the hell she meant half the time. She refused to tell me. She dug up old feelings of being inadequate because of what I am. She randomly changed the subject, and it was all based on the past. Apparently some of her focus was on a separate trip that we made to Moonglade before the festival last year. I’d rather remember the good parts of last year, and let the nervousness, sadness and pain fade away.
What’s wrong with right now? I’d rather focus on the present.
I really don’t care to remember how I felt last year. I was feeling like less of a failure. I love her more. I’m less nervous around her father. Why would I want to remember what I felt last year?
At one point she started crying, and said that I said I didn’t love her anymore. I didn’t. How can I give the right answer if I don’t even know what the question is. She asked if there had been any changes since last year. I said some had, some hadn’t. That isn’t saying I don’t love her. I’m still not sure how she could even think that.
Do I not tell her that I love her? Do my actions not speak as well?
I’m mad. I’m angry because I wanted to have a good night. I wanted to enjoy the festival with her and Relanos. Why couldn’t she just ask plain questions instead of ruining the entire evening? I hate being asked vague, cryptic questions. I hate it mostly because I know she expects me to know what the hell she’s talking about, and when I admit that I don’t and I ask, she just gets mad.
I hate being mad that she’s mad.
I hope that next year, all I have to remember is how Relanos smiled at the fireworks.